The Wandering Artist

By Halle Harper

You know how it seems like everyone around you knows exactly what they’re doing with their life? They have it all mapped out—the dots are connected and they have a step-by-step plan. They’re getting internships and awards and succeeding in life. Meanwhile, you’re sitting there drooling with a dunce cap on your head. You have no plans whatsoever. You’re just wandering from major to major, waiting for your lightbulb to go off or for God to come down and tell you exactly what you’re meant to do. 

Well, that’s me but with art. 

There’s one thing I know for certain, and that is that I want to tell stories. When I was younger, my brothers and I would act out our own stories. We got really creative. There was Stuff City with a wild cast of characters, including Smart Halle and Smart Terence, a brother-sister genius duo (you’ll never guess what my older brother’s name is); the Master of Evil, an evil sorceress who constantly punishes her idiotic workers; and Sandwhich Boy, who really likes sandwhiches. Then there was Stuffed City (my pun game was strong back then) where all our stuffed animals lived. We played King and Queen, Ninja, Human Theme Park (don’t ask), and many, many other story games. It was with these games that my love of storytelling truly began.

Now, here I am with ideas in my head and no plan. I have dabbled in many different art forms. I attempted to draw in elementary school; took a photography class, wrote fanfiction, and learned to play guitar in middle school; did theater and started writing my first book in high school; and took film classes and worked on a video game in college. I enjoyed all of these, yet none of them were a career for me. I’ve dropped most of them, but a few stuck with me.

Theater was a challenge. I went to a magnet school that focused more on STEM than the arts, so we didn’t have an actual stage. Instead, we used a lecture hall with a small stage in the fall and the outdoor amphitheater in the spring. It was tough to work in those spaces, but we enjoyed the challenge. As an actor, the best feeling was finally performing the show in front of an audience. All of the literal blood, sweat, and tears were for that moment. I’ve never smiled as much as I did at the end of a performance when the audience gave us a round of applause. Though I loved theater, I, unfortunately, wasn’t that good of an actor. All of my roles were small, and I’m pretty sure the only reason I got them was because there were so few of us. You were practically guaranteed a role as long as you were reliable, had good enough grades, and weren’t a jerk. I knew there was no way I was going to make a career out of it, and I wasn’t too upset with that realization.

Some kids have dreams of being a popstar, actor, fireman, doctor, princess, knight, or superhero. I wanted to be an astronomer until I was told astronomers don’t look at stars all day; then I wanted to be a director. I enjoyed watching the behind-the-scenes action of a movie just as much as I enjoyed watching the movie itself. Still, I was a kid, and it was just a fad, right? 

Then came sophomore year and I was questioning whether I actually wanted an English degree. I hated writing essays, and all English is is writing essays; but I liked talking about books. Should I continue if it makes me miserable? What would I even do with it? Is a teacher all I’m destined to be? I was stuck in this depressed limbo until I saw that the College of Southern Nevada had a film program. Forming in my head was a thought that I couldn’t get out. I looked up different jobs in film and how to get them, and after some soul searching I decided that I wanted to be a director.

I loved my film classes. To this day, they were my favorite classes of all time. English classes involve a lot of discussion, which is great, except for the fact that I’m a shy person and have a hard time participating. Film is a lot more hands-on. I learned how to write screenplays, do lighting, direct, edit, and much more. This is it, I thought to myself. I found something that I’m actually decent at, and I enjoyed doing it too! That is, until I had to do projects. Let me tell you: Making a film is hard. Even just a short takes days of work. I got so stressed balancing school, work, and the projects. It didn’t help that I’m socially awkward and suck at making friends, so, instead of working with someone, I did it all by myself. After a year, I realized that I couldn’t do this as a career—it’s too stressful. So now I just do it as a hobby.

Then there’s writing: my first love and the one that’s stuck the longest. The first story I ever wrote was in elementary school and was called “The Lost Dessert” (which was supposed to be “The Lost Desert,” but I didn’t know how to spell it). I have no idea what it was about, but I got a good grade on it. Then I got into fanfiction. I’m not sure how I got the idea to write one, but I did; and after getting comments that people liked it, I wrote another one, and another one, and so on. What really fueled me was the comments people left for me. The validation that, yes, what I’m writing is good (though looking back on it, I have no idea how anyone would consider that trash “good”) is what pushed me to do more. So I started coming up with ideas for my own stories. 

Of course, I couldn’t come up with a short story. No, all my ideas had to be novels. A tip for aspiring writers: Don’t start out with a novel. Why? Because writing is like exercising. You don’t start with 100 pound weights—you work up to it. If you start writing a novel without writing smaller stuff first, you won’t finish it. Or if you do, it won’t be for a really long time and might not be good. I fell into the first category, so I have a bunch of incomplete novels. You see, I like the pre-writing process. Outlining, worldbuilding, character building—all that stuff is my bread and butter. The actual writing bit? Some days I’m fine with it, but most days are a challenge. I have a hard time taking my vision and putting it into words.

All my endeavors haven’t worked out, so now what? What is an artist without a medium? How do I tell the stories in my head? I still haven’t figured that one out, and I might not ever, but I do know what I will do until then. The only thing I like more than telling a story is helping someone else tell theirs. I realized this in high school. I had three friends who also liked to write, and they gave me their stuff for feedback. I found that I was good at finding problems with their work and giving advice on how to fix it. And I felt satisfied when they came back to me with their edited work and I could see that it was better than before. After realizing that film wasn’t for me, I knew I wanted to edit books for a living.

I am still trying to figure out what to do with my story ideas, and sometimes I feel restless because of it. I will never be fully satisfied until I can tell my stories, but helping others tell theirs will do for now. Until then, I will continue to try everything, hopping from medium to medium, art to art. Until then, I will be a wandering artist.